I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize