you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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