No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
