you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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