just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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