When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize