My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize