Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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