who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
why do cheetos always look like penises
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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