obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
