if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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