I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I didn't notice because vodka
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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