So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
