Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
