I accidentally burped into my bong.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
