I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
sex in a hospital.. check
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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