ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
