i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
