I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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