what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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