Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize