i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
