coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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