The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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