If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
