i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
