SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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