I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
