i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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