Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
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