if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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