why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
