im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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