Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
