i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
