watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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