Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize