Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
he puts the penis in happiness.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
