My boss' voice literally gives me gas
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
