So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
