the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
