hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
it was like eating out sand paper
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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