I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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