We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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