Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
