what day is it and did you see me today?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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