I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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