No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
