If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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