Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
