Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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