i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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