I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
