i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
