my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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