No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
