My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
