Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
