I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Randomize
