Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Randomize